Today upon getting out of the most lovely and uninterrupted shower, I noticed my favourite, sacred, loved earring missing - it's partner along with my flower of life ring lying on the floor. I immediately went into grief. It had been lost. My favourite earring had been lost, and my 2 year old daughter was the one who lost it. Then... I lost it. In my own gentle way, I lost it. I let my daughter know how upset I was, how special that earring was, and I called upon her for help. The more I got caught up in my head about how it would never be found, the more upset I became. Then, the tears came. I cried tears for the loss of this sacred item. I let my daughter know that I was feeling so sad, and was releasing through my tears. I called out to her for help again... I couldn't focus on anything but finding this piece of myself that was lost.
Within a few minutes, I found this sacred little lotus petal OM earring, a deep part of myself, hiding behind the toilet. I continued to communicate with my child, who was concerned for both me and herself. I let her know that I loved her that it was ok. That she was ok. I allowed her in, this time, on my process, emotions, and internal dialogue. She was with me the whole way.
We went on about our day. I made the mental note that no, she wasn't ready for me to have my jewellery within access.
As I sat quietly this evening, just before writing this, I realized the depth within this experience. This earring, sacred, precious, and unique, was a reflection of my own essence and self. Those pieces of me that have been lost, or have been covered up by my child, are mourning and yearning, craving to be uncovered. Becoming a Mother means a certain un-becoming of self. A surrender to the deep and innate needs of your child, an unraveling of the Woman you once knew, who will one day be weaved back together again... Again and again.
Separation is tricky. The sticky peeling apart of two entities that have become one. The loss of identity. The comfort within the discomfort of unhappiness. The separation I speak of is that within a marriage and partnership. One that has ended long ago but kept at comfortable closeness, as to not feel the feelings that come from loss. The gentle, glue like, heart tearing, peeling apart of two soul's and lives entwined.
It's time. Time to let go, allow integration, pain, grief, and the unfolding of a new life. Time to allow a beautiful child to know her father in her own way. Time to settle in, cry, dance, trust one self, and call in what awaits.
I am ready. On my knees, face hot with tears, heart open and beating. I am ready. May I feel. May I release. May I simply be in my truth.
May my daughter feel this shift. May she know the loves that surrounds her. May she be supported. May she integrate in the way that she needs. May she walk forward, reaching for my hand, reaching for her father, and settling in herself. A whole soul, in a small body, complete and capable, vulnerable and needing to be held. Mama is here. Holding space. Guiding. Containing. Loving without judgement. The gentle peeling apart.
I have easily judged myself. I ended my marriage just over a year ago. I have kept him close. Not wanting to feel. We have a child together, of course we need to see each other. I have stayed in a comfy place. And yet this place keeps my light dim, keeps me in the place of hovering in between who I was and who I am going to be. My truth awaits. My life with my daughter awaits. The light that will illuminate Motherhoods over the world awaits. It awaits my ability to process, feel, grieve, and allow the unfolding. Today I choose to burn within my heart fire that which no longer serves. I hold my daughter, I hold myself, and I hold my ex-partner.
I love him. I forgive him. I accept him. I release him.
May our lives flourish, together in the way they need to, and apart. May my child and her father find comfort in their solitude together. May I find strength and words to support this transition for her. And within this process, may I allow the space and gentleness for myself to process what this means.
I am a Mother. I am a woman. I am alone. I am deeply supported. I sit in community with my tribe.
I step forward, my heart open and broken.