I find myself hovering in that space between who I was and who I am going to become. This space can be uncomfortable, and confusing if that is the feeling that I allow to be stirred. It can also be a place of deep growth and deepening. When I find myself here, I find myself asking the question "who am I?" and "what am I doing?". I find myself second guessing my choices and the path that I walk - which not too long ago was a path I was absolutely positive about. I find myself in a bit of a darkness.
It suddenly occurred to me this morning. I have a choice while I am here. I know that this is a place where I hover for the time being AND I have a choice about how I feel while I am here. I can second guess myself and live in a state of disconnection and panic OR I can accept the very simple truth that life ebbs and flows and this place where I find myself is an ok place to be. It is a place that I have found myself before and will likely find myself again. As my path shifts, I consciously know that I have choice, and have opportunity to always check in with my deep soul layer and ask "is this my truth?".
I find in this moment that what is being presented to me in my reality is something that I didn't "plan" for. This makes me uncomfortable. I like to plan. I also like to say I am not a planner, but oh yes do I like to be in control of everything. This is my work - my very conscious work. Letting go of control. Letting go of the need to control. Getting to know what lies beneath that feeling/need to know what will happen next. I was guided into a a meditation recently that had me in a situation where I had to give up control. I was debilitated and could not do anything to choose an outcome for the situation. Many feelings came up, like anger, frustration, and fear. Once I had realized, though, that I was completely out of the loop of decision making and I surrendered, something amazing happened... I felt liberated, relieved, and absolutely excited that the outcome was going to happen whether I liked it or not. It was invigorating and fed me with light. I pose the question - How may I cultivate this surrender in my daily interactions?
More than ever at this time in my life, I am aware that I must surrender to an outcome that I cannot foresee nor control. I must trust that I am protected and guided and that the outcome that is chosen for me is for my highest good. So, in this I put forward a choice. I choose to release the grips that I hold on life, the fear that drives me, and I allow myself to be guided and cared for. I expect miracles and allow them by allowing myself to choose love over fear. I reach out when I need it, and I do not tell myself sad stories (allowing my ego to take over again, the opposite of surrender). When I find myself going back and forth in my mind about why this situation is wrong and why I am not good enough, I will gently bring myself back and choose a loving thought instead. I will nurture the scared child inside of me by feeding her with love and stories of warriorhood. I will honour that scared child by validating her concerns and gently lead her to a place of empowerment. I will birth a woman that knows her worth and her ability and allow the child to be nurtured and cared for. I will be well.
I honour myself while I hover in this space between who I was and who I will become. Between girl and woman, woman and Goddess, Goddess and Mother. May I know all aspects of myself, not leaving any one out, and nurturing each equally. May I be healed and may those around me be healed. May I heal for the greater good of the world and for each unborn child that has not yet joined us. I hover in this space between, embracing my whole self, Girl, Woman, Goddess, Lover, Mother, Healer. I honour that which I am.
I feel as though something profound is literally just about to shoot out of my vagina and straight into the Earth. I feel pregnant and ready to release a huge growth inside of me. I am ready to heal from what has been held onto. Ready to see and release that which I thought I needed in order to survive.
I have held so tightly onto trauma, thinking perhaps I needed it so that I would remember the lesson. In holding on, I have put that memory in the dark closet of my womb and not allowed it to breathe fresh air. I have not seen this trauma for the lesson that all of it has given me. I have held onto it because I thought I NEEDED it, and forgotten to use it for it's purpose. HEALING. Healing. This trauma, this pain, this sense of lack of love, this sexual "abuse", all of the floating outside of my body. It was all depp purpose. Deep learning. Deep growth.
It's time to see it for what it was. To SEE it. To HEAL it. To RELEASE it. To go on.
My body is crying for escape. It is showing me the signs. It is writhing and burning for my soul to push this forward, for my conscious mind to take charge, and for my heart to heal.
This learning is my truth. It is my offering. It is my glow. Not my darkness. It is my light.