I find myself hovering in that space between who I was and who I am going to become. This space can be uncomfortable, and confusing if that is the feeling that I allow to be stirred. It can also be a place of deep growth and deepening. When I find myself here, I find myself asking the question "who am I?" and "what am I doing?". I find myself second guessing my choices and the path that I walk - which not too long ago was a path I was absolutely positive about. I find myself in a bit of a darkness.
It suddenly occurred to me this morning. I have a choice while I am here. I know that this is a place where I hover for the time being AND I have a choice about how I feel while I am here. I can second guess myself and live in a state of disconnection and panic OR I can accept the very simple truth that life ebbs and flows and this place where I find myself is an ok place to be. It is a place that I have found myself before and will likely find myself again. As my path shifts, I consciously know that I have choice, and have opportunity to always check in with my deep soul layer and ask "is this my truth?".
I find in this moment that what is being presented to me in my reality is something that I didn't "plan" for. This makes me uncomfortable. I like to plan. I also like to say I am not a planner, but oh yes do I like to be in control of everything. This is my work - my very conscious work. Letting go of control. Letting go of the need to control. Getting to know what lies beneath that feeling/need to know what will happen next. I was guided into a a meditation recently that had me in a situation where I had to give up control. I was debilitated and could not do anything to choose an outcome for the situation. Many feelings came up, like anger, frustration, and fear. Once I had realized, though, that I was completely out of the loop of decision making and I surrendered, something amazing happened... I felt liberated, relieved, and absolutely excited that the outcome was going to happen whether I liked it or not. It was invigorating and fed me with light. I pose the question - How may I cultivate this surrender in my daily interactions?
More than ever at this time in my life, I am aware that I must surrender to an outcome that I cannot foresee nor control. I must trust that I am protected and guided and that the outcome that is chosen for me is for my highest good. So, in this I put forward a choice. I choose to release the grips that I hold on life, the fear that drives me, and I allow myself to be guided and cared for. I expect miracles and allow them by allowing myself to choose love over fear. I reach out when I need it, and I do not tell myself sad stories (allowing my ego to take over again, the opposite of surrender). When I find myself going back and forth in my mind about why this situation is wrong and why I am not good enough, I will gently bring myself back and choose a loving thought instead. I will nurture the scared child inside of me by feeding her with love and stories of warriorhood. I will honour that scared child by validating her concerns and gently lead her to a place of empowerment. I will birth a woman that knows her worth and her ability and allow the child to be nurtured and cared for. I will be well.
I honour myself while I hover in this space between who I was and who I will become. Between girl and woman, woman and Goddess, Goddess and Mother. May I know all aspects of myself, not leaving any one out, and nurturing each equally. May I be healed and may those around me be healed. May I heal for the greater good of the world and for each unborn child that has not yet joined us. I hover in this space between, embracing my whole self, Girl, Woman, Goddess, Lover, Mother, Healer. I honour that which I am.
Lightning paced growth has maybe left me in a place of "what now". I spent a beautiful chunk of time evolving and really getting to know what I am on the inside. So much was going on, so many new discoveries, and I was full of new insight and knowing on a constant basis. This was a beautiful time.
Now is the time to allow this to integrate. To truly feel these shifts, knowing that this was not just another venture that leads to more confusion. It was growth, continues to be growth, and always will be a road of growth. I pray for quiet and self love, allowing myself to be in my powerful goddess essence and to unfold into the beautiful and radiant woman that I am.
There is nothing that needs to be changed. Nothing to be plucked, lost, or gained. I am whole and perfect as I am right in this moment. I am accepted, I am loved, I am supported. My dreams are the biggest and most important thing to those that support me on this path. So important that as long as I hold them tight and agree to take that leap of faith, they will come true times 10.000.000. They are that important. They are that real. They are solid. I can almost tough them. They are festering up there above me as I write this just waiting for me to take that leap.
Yes, integration! Maybe integration is important. Allowing myself to see what I am. Living in this sense of acceptance for my full me-ness. This me-ness that can be so big, Giant, HUGE! As far as my energy field can reach, as far as my love can reach, my deepest soul desire is to shine so brilliantly that each feminine soul may benefit, shift, and grow into their own beautiful truth. Me-ness is greatness.
I call out to the Universe, to spirit and Goddess, to love and light. May I find peace in each moment, in this body, and find all that I need to grow forward as to be of service and to prosper. Aho!
What now? Be patient a little longer in the lull. Allow yourself to accept the shifts. See them. Recognise. them. Be in your me-ness. Me-ness is greatness. Know this.
If we want to dwindle on time, I would have to say that the last 6 months of my life have moved at lightning speed as far as personal growth goes. My entire outlook on life, my own and what is going on around me, has shifted completely. I was reaching, searching, yearning for answers before, wanting someone to tell me what was going to happen and how. Now, I am calm, I trust, and I feel grounded in myself, my purpose, and my truth. I don't have the answers, and I am ok with that. I trust in my offerings, in my spirit, and in the path. Once I let go, the not knowing became comfort, it became knowing. I am now being guided and shown each step, and that is wonderful with me.
There has been this mass amount of support, love, insight, and guidance that has come into my life by way of female energy, spirit, information, books, workshops, and so much more. It has been an interesting process for me, and very new, to start making investments in myself and my growth. I have found that the more I invest financially, the more I respect and love myself. The financial fear is able to diminish at the same time.
There is this loose little plan that feels so immense and correct. There is this fiery dream screaming out of my insides. I am patient, I know that it will unfold perfectly. I trust again. I find calm. I ground.
Oh yes, sometimes I float right on out of this peaceful place once again and hover up above my body, oblivious to the progress. That's when I stub my toe and spill my drink. That's when I realize I have zoned out of reality again, and I gently place a hand on my heart and a hand on my belly and breathe deep and slow, loving myself up. That's when I remember what I am.
That's when I remember what I am......
I am a being of the stars. I am here to love and be loved. That is what I feel. That is all that I am interested in. Just love.