I find myself hovering in that space between who I was and who I am going to become. This space can be uncomfortable, and confusing if that is the feeling that I allow to be stirred. It can also be a place of deep growth and deepening. When I find myself here, I find myself asking the question "who am I?" and "what am I doing?". I find myself second guessing my choices and the path that I walk - which not too long ago was a path I was absolutely positive about. I find myself in a bit of a darkness.
It suddenly occurred to me this morning. I have a choice while I am here. I know that this is a place where I hover for the time being AND I have a choice about how I feel while I am here. I can second guess myself and live in a state of disconnection and panic OR I can accept the very simple truth that life ebbs and flows and this place where I find myself is an ok place to be. It is a place that I have found myself before and will likely find myself again. As my path shifts, I consciously know that I have choice, and have opportunity to always check in with my deep soul layer and ask "is this my truth?".
I find in this moment that what is being presented to me in my reality is something that I didn't "plan" for. This makes me uncomfortable. I like to plan. I also like to say I am not a planner, but oh yes do I like to be in control of everything. This is my work - my very conscious work. Letting go of control. Letting go of the need to control. Getting to know what lies beneath that feeling/need to know what will happen next. I was guided into a a meditation recently that had me in a situation where I had to give up control. I was debilitated and could not do anything to choose an outcome for the situation. Many feelings came up, like anger, frustration, and fear. Once I had realized, though, that I was completely out of the loop of decision making and I surrendered, something amazing happened... I felt liberated, relieved, and absolutely excited that the outcome was going to happen whether I liked it or not. It was invigorating and fed me with light. I pose the question - How may I cultivate this surrender in my daily interactions?
More than ever at this time in my life, I am aware that I must surrender to an outcome that I cannot foresee nor control. I must trust that I am protected and guided and that the outcome that is chosen for me is for my highest good. So, in this I put forward a choice. I choose to release the grips that I hold on life, the fear that drives me, and I allow myself to be guided and cared for. I expect miracles and allow them by allowing myself to choose love over fear. I reach out when I need it, and I do not tell myself sad stories (allowing my ego to take over again, the opposite of surrender). When I find myself going back and forth in my mind about why this situation is wrong and why I am not good enough, I will gently bring myself back and choose a loving thought instead. I will nurture the scared child inside of me by feeding her with love and stories of warriorhood. I will honour that scared child by validating her concerns and gently lead her to a place of empowerment. I will birth a woman that knows her worth and her ability and allow the child to be nurtured and cared for. I will be well.
I honour myself while I hover in this space between who I was and who I will become. Between girl and woman, woman and Goddess, Goddess and Mother. May I know all aspects of myself, not leaving any one out, and nurturing each equally. May I be healed and may those around me be healed. May I heal for the greater good of the world and for each unborn child that has not yet joined us. I hover in this space between, embracing my whole self, Girl, Woman, Goddess, Lover, Mother, Healer. I honour that which I am.